Professional Relaxer Gifts

'I don't care what he says, child labor laws were never intended to protect the rights of children in their mid-30s.'

"I'm looking for an outside interest I can do from my couch."

"The president wants me to stay on as unemployed."

"Relax, I'm a professional. I went to school for this."

'But I feel quite healthy.'

I'm practicing for retirement - one hour every day.

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

'Rodney, I don't know what to make of you. You're bored by excitement, and excited by boredom.'

'He died doing what he loved. Which was nothing.'

"Didn't I tell you to limber up before you started channel surfing?"

"Ahhh... close enough."

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

"This is nice … let’s not hop again tomorrow."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

'Been Away?' A piece of bread looks at a piece of brown toast as if it's got a suntan.

"It's days like this that make me long for days like this."

Lazy Octopus

'He's holding a sign saying he's marooned with 20 cases of La Tache. A second sign: drop a corkscrew and come back in six months.'

My God, I need to fart.

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

Hey. Hey. Polly wants some folly.

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

Yoga.

I've decided to shift down a few gears.'

'He usually doesn't follow medical advice, but when the doctor told him to learn to relax...'

"You really need to think about getting glasses."

"I'm thinking of starting my own range of 'inactive' wear."

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

Problem Solving

"Would you like to sleep through the film or the variety show?"

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

Ultra-lazy sloth

'A little more relaxant I think, nurse.'

"I figured my stress ball should match the size of my anxiety."