Professional Patient Gifts

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

"It's almost 5 o'clock! Where the hell is my vodka app?!"

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

'You see, Brad, I'm not just a highly polished career woman.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

A midwife holding a baby

Ice Cream Surgeon

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

Cardiac Recovery.

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"My, grandma, what a big nose you have! Let's take a little off the sides."