Professional Mourner T-Shirts

"Me, my mum and dad are professional mourners: they're really good at faking tears..."

Joint Ventures!

Bookshop: Closed, Coming Soon Here Internet Cafe.

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

You Know You're Old When...

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"Doesn't seem to matter how carefully you put them back together you always end up with pieces left over!"

'It freaks me out that you're keeping your dead mum preserved in Formalin on the mantelpiece!'

Crash Test Dummy Funerals.

"This ham bone did not have much meat on it by the time I met it, but it tasted of meat, and for that I am eternally grateful."

A Conservation Biologist Goes for Therapy

'You shouldn't have forgotten the flag!'

"Mum, can I work in a morgue"

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

'He had bad breath, but I suppose that was better than no breath at all.'

Gravedigger

Dead Batteries

"Maybe I should have gone with cremation."

At Salvador Dali's funeral,

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

'Well,it's been real nice chatting with you Ron,and should you ever fancy a guided tour throughout the City Morgue,here's my card...' (a morgue worker handing over a 'toe tag').

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

'Yep, his face is beyond recognition but that's my Charlie for certain.'

"Aare you sure this is what he meant by a quiet funeral?"

Undertakers Pole

Doorman with Angel Wings

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

"It's a crying shame, his wife went to visit her mother in Australia and forgot to leave directions to the kitchen"

'Damn it Monroe! I told you to finish the stock taking!!'

'Not everyone is cut out for this business but it's a living.'

'But I miss all the funerals we used to go to.'

'It was so sudden. No one's had a chance to tell him.'

"Some people he knew wanted closure."

Undertaker awards.