Professional Mourner Pillows

"Me, my mum and dad are professional mourners: they're really good at faking tears..."

Joint Ventures!

Bookshop: Closed, Coming Soon Here Internet Cafe.

You Know You're Old When...

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"Doesn't seem to matter how carefully you put them back together you always end up with pieces left over!"

'It freaks me out that you're keeping your dead mum preserved in Formalin on the mantelpiece!'

'You shouldn't have forgotten the flag!'

A Conservation Biologist Goes for Therapy

"This ham bone did not have much meat on it by the time I met it, but it tasted of meat, and for that I am eternally grateful."

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

"Mum, can I work in a morgue"

'He had bad breath, but I suppose that was better than no breath at all.'

Gravedigger

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

"Maybe I should have gone with cremation."

'Well,it's been real nice chatting with you Ron,and should you ever fancy a guided tour throughout the City Morgue,here's my card...' (a morgue worker handing over a 'toe tag').

Dead Batteries

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

"Aare you sure this is what he meant by a quiet funeral?"

'Yep, his face is beyond recognition but that's my Charlie for certain.'

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

Undertakers Pole

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

Doorman with Angel Wings

"It's a crying shame, his wife went to visit her mother in Australia and forgot to leave directions to the kitchen"

'Damn it Monroe! I told you to finish the stock taking!!'

'Not everyone is cut out for this business but it's a living.'

'It was so sudden. No one's had a chance to tell him.'

'But I miss all the funerals we used to go to.'

"Some people he knew wanted closure."

Undertaker awards.