Productivity Satirist Gifts

"I feel like I got a lot accomplished today."

'This is a very difficult job. There's only so much you can pretend you're doing.'

"The problem with this place is that no one appreciates my hard work."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

In and Out Tray

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

'I'm delegating everything but my paycheck and my snazzy office to you.'

'Remember, Jenkins, I want those briefs on my desk by morning.'

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."