Procedure Comedian Gifts

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

'He does.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"Yes, I'm alone."

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

The worker/the man who monitors the worker/the man who wrote the draft policy guidelines on how to monitor the man monitoring the worker.

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Where my balls go?'

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

Doctors often have to reassure the worried well.

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

' 'Peppermint thumb' is one of our toughest cases to cure.'

'Level with me, Doc — it's contagious, isn't it?'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

'The lab report just came in. The lab is in fine shape!'

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

'Every new neurosurgery intern has to make the joke about the patient having an 'open mind' but then they get over it.'

"The mood Disorders Clinic is three floors up, and then two floors down."

If I'm a hypochondriac, what does that make YOU?

'And now, this warning from the Surgeon-General... THINK FAST!'

"It's trouble for Chubby when Mitzi brings out the vacuum."

Stupid medicine - Shake Well Before Using.

'Oh! How nice! An espresso machine!'

"Tick, tick, tick..."

'I know a skirt-blower would save time, but I don't thing the patients would like it.'

Nurse cautioning a patient

"A web search reveals that you've been consulting other doctors."

'It's a routine operation.'