Ceremony Comedian Gifts

Bridegroom asks if he can ask the audience.

Is it true that a maitre d' has the authority to marry people, just like the captain of a ship? ? ?

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

'You may kiss the bride, but no tongue.'

'Hold everything! -- My left brain just kicked in!'

Watermelon Cult

'He does.'

"Please turn off your GPS!"

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"We stumbled onto a house - and both of us being young and in love and quick to grasp the situation - "

'Okay.. what the hell.'

Graduates on their phones

'They call it the people dance.'

"You may now kiss the... Oh, I see you have already done that!"

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

Double Wedding

"Sinead?!"

'Charles Frederick and Camilla Gladys!'

Marriage Returns

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

The most popular Sunday at St Clive's was always the annual 'Blessing of the Smartphones' service.

'I'm sorry, but 'I'll see how I feel on the night' isn't really acceptable.'

"The couple will now exchange vows they wrote themselves, because I guess mine weren't good enough, but, whatever, let's see what you've got."

Industry and Idleness - The industrious apprentice performing the duty of a Christian.

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

The wedding.

'If anyone here objects to the marriage of these two men, speak up now because opponents are aging and dying off and soon won't matter anymore...'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'

"Maybe if we hold her under longer."

"I now pronounce you guilty."

"My client doesn't have to answer that."

'We sell gifts for people to give to graduates they know.'

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

RETIREMENT VOWS