Ceremony Comedian T-Shirts

Bridegroom asks if he can ask the audience.

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

'You may kiss the bride, but no tongue.'

'Hold everything! -- My left brain just kicked in!'

Watermelon Cult

'He does.'

"Please turn off your GPS!"

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"We stumbled onto a house - and both of us being young and in love and quick to grasp the situation - "

'Okay.. what the hell.'

Double Wedding

"You may now kiss the... Oh, I see you have already done that!"

"Sinead?!"

'Charles Frederick and Camilla Gladys!'

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

"The couple will now exchange vows they wrote themselves, because I guess mine weren't good enough, but, whatever, let's see what you've got."

Industry and Idleness - The industrious apprentice performing the duty of a Christian.

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

The most popular Sunday at St Clive's was always the annual 'Blessing of the Smartphones' service.

Marriage Returns

'I'm sorry, but 'I'll see how I feel on the night' isn't really acceptable.'

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

"Maybe if we hold her under longer."

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

"My client doesn't have to answer that."

"I now pronounce you guilty."

RETIREMENT VOWS

'We sell gifts for people to give to graduates they know.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'

The wedding.

'If anyone here objects to the marriage of these two men, speak up now because opponents are aging and dying off and soon won't matter anymore...'

"I couldn't find the giant scissors."

"It's boilerplate marriage vows with a pre-nup rider. Just hit the 'agree' button."

'Could I borrow your giant scissors for a minute? I cancelled payment on this giant check and I need to cut it up.'