Ceremony Satirist Gifts

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

A bride and groom at the altar.

Marriage Returns

"I hired out a double for this bit."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'I've been knighted by Queen Latifah.'

"You may now kiss the bride - although it's not mandatory, or something any of us really wants to see."

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

Graduates on their phones

'He does.'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"...and in conclusion..."

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Eucharist

"Sinead?!"

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

Pastor of Muppets

'I'm sorry, but 'I'll see how I feel on the night' isn't really acceptable.'

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

'Breast implants? There must be some mistake. I have you down for knee surgery not breast implants!'

'The Bishop called - he'd like to see a copy of that sermon you gave last Sunday.'

Man in church sees sign: Thank you for not yawning.

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

"I now pronounce you guilty."

RETIREMENT VOWS

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

Mayor Gojo presents a keycard to the city to celebrity.

Rolling the red carpet before and after the important man

'Waiter, there's a tar ball in my soup.'