Ceremony Humorist Gifts

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'I'm sorry, but 'I'll see how I feel on the night' isn't really acceptable.'

RETIREMENT VOWS

Graduation Day at Sunrise Semester

Graduates on their phones

"I now pronounce you guilty."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'He does.'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

"Am I going to get my just desserts?"

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"Dave here, is a lawyer. But don't be too impressed, he only specialises in petty crime."

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'The highest court in the land.'

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

The Aisle

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

The hour of justice

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'