Procastinator's Delight Gifts

'Not you again. Go and get your big brothers and sisters.'

"I'm a monster."

Jack in the Box

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

Dog owner sees pet reading book, 'How to train your owner'.

"O.K., one last big rhubarb score. But then I'm out of the pie game for good."

Love Potion

Professor Van Helsing's long and successful career as a vampire hunter, came to a sudden end due to woodworm.

'She said she was made out of sugar and spice, so I bit her.'

'We need more cake shows!'

'Macaroni and cheese, three nights in a row?... That's justifiable homicide in my book!'

'You must be mistaken. I don't get ulcers. I give them!'

'Better steer clear of the red meat - I'll have pink salmon with a few blue mussels, green peas, black eyed beans and a bottle of rose.'

'In my opinion the three pigs did their share of huffing and puffing.'

'He's okay otherwise, but I get sick and tired of hearing about his lifetime batting average of .325.'

'From now on, anyone not found at their desk will be sacked on the spot.'

'I don't mind coming to work it's that long wait to go home that gets me.'

'Oh, so when you said wear a...Ok, now I get it.'

Porters carry a sedan chair up a ski slope

Monkey

'Caution - this bug makes wide turns.'

Freshman Ronnie Klumpf wisely outfitted himself with a wedgie deterrent system.

You Will Eat A Fortune Cookie.

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, BOO! Did I scare you? Regards, Rick in Seattle. *(Actual reader letter) Ask Sadie at rudy@rudypark.com. Yeah, I'm really scared. Aren't you, Rudy? BOO, RUDY! BOOOOOO! That, however, terrifies me. Sorry, you were saying? Some guy tweeted his breakfast menu.

What's the money for? Animal rescue? No, we're part of a group fighting for the release of Burmese political prisoners.

"Now ladies, I hope none of you have been cheating."

'I'm sorry, Miss Root, Thomas got sick last night. I brought his project in. It's a cracker building, he ate as much as he designed!'

Harper talks about Christmas

Just In - Untreated Sewage Blobs

Woman approaches a clock with a tick and flea killer.

"Now that I work remotely, I don't do anything that remotely resembles work."

'Is this the way you plan to spend your peak learning years?'

'Here's your rake, Phil! Can I borrow your snow blower?!'

We invented language and they invented verbal gaffes.

"Can you please keep in harmony?"