Private Equity Professional Gifts

"The bad news is it's all our clients' money."

Tax Dodgem Cars.

Late Stage Capitalism and the Biosphere Engage in Some Meaningful Dialogue...

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

The Three Wise Queens

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

"I can remember when having a '212' phone number still meant something in this world."

Historic Bank Jobs.

Woman at a desk with in out boxes marked Market Up Market Down.

Practical loans vs. devil-may-care loans.

"I'm in securities." "I'm in insecurities."

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

I brake for federal bailouts.

The Birth of the Pyramid Marketing Sales Scam (circa 4,000 BC)

Portfolio, 2011

'You may be the best man for the job, but I have a dozen women who are better qualified.'

"Now that I've made that perfectly clear..."

'How to tell the difference between a bull market & a bum steer.'

"This is Pete, our cryptocurrency expert."

"Really? You'd like to be part of this?"

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

Pound sign in an hourglass.

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

America's funniest investment scams

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

"Don't tell me we've got to stay even longer in this godforsaken dump!"

Gold Crisis

Business Philosophy 101.

"Ooooh. Suave, portly, and financially secure..."

'It's a deal, for $15 an hour, I'll stand in front of your office.'

Greece - The Black Hole

'I realize money can't buy happiness, so I'm just trying to improve the exchange rate.'

"I see your point, but wouldn't it be more fun to spend it while I'm young enough to enjoy it?"