Investment Broker Gifts

"I can remember when having a '212' phone number still meant something in this world."

Help! Sold Derivatives when I didn't even know what they were.

'With my brains and your money, we have nothing to lose but your money.'

'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'

"Just sign here, sir - it clears me of any responsibility."

Investment Broker - "First the good news. Textiles are up, chemicals are up and electricals are up. The bad news is you don't have any."

"Really? You'd like to be part of this?"

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'If you're so smart, how come you never invest any of your own money?'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

"That guy is incredible! He's coaxed the fish to invest 20,000 bucks...in catfood stocks!"

'Merrill Lunch: Invest in our blue-chip soups and sandwiches.'

To err is human..."Come in, Mr. Wilks."

'It stands for, 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'.'

'Can he call you back? He's viewing his favourite internet site.'

'Oh oh! My Internet security software is directing recommendations, from my broker, to the junk file.'

"Does it say what we use for money?"

'Yes...our chief analyst is recommending further investments in the new year.'

Pound sign in an hourglass.

America's funniest investment scams

Two kids have stands: one Lemonade the other Tooth Fairy Investment Advisor.

'Get me into that 15% tax bracket I've heard so much about.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'As you go through life, always remember that money isn't everything...Health benefits and stock options are also very important.'

"First of all I feel I owe you an apology."

'I buy a different stock every month. Sooner or later I will make a wise investment!'

'...could we interest you in investing a proportion in one of our harebrained schemes?'

'Let me explain it this way: our 'Nouveau Riche' fund has been renamed the 'Nouveau Poor' fund.'

"We're interested in short term growth."

'Mr. Bosley and I will be busy all afternoon investigating offshore business opportunities.'

Brokerage

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

'I must admit that I've made a lot of other people's money in my time.'

Jake was a hedge fun manager in the city.

Book on 'How to Handle Market Stress' being thrown out of a window.