Primate Punters Gifts

"Not too much off my back."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

World Cup Fever

'We're under a lot of time-pressure here, so we'll need to jump to conclusions.'

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

"I call it decking - it will be all the rage in a few years."

'The blooming thing took a wrong turn off the course.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

"I take it the tortoise wasn't available."

Saloon Selectives

"Must dash - I'm appearing in a 'restaurant soup' cartoon this afternoon..."

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

Early man had 127 words for rock...and no words for anything else.

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'Oh, yes, he's patriotic alright - only uses the Red Lion, the White Hart and the Blue Boar!!'

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

"The hardest part is admitting you have a problem."

'The other hand.'

"Remember? Pretend I'm not here!"

"I brought my wife a mink for her birthday, but she refuses to clean out its cage."

'Now we know why they call this the SNUG!'

'It's a cover for the latrine, but yeah, it could be used for transportation...'

Use the word "pail" around the chickens. The word "bucket" scares them.

Fakir Repairs

"A Japanese company will deliver to us for �6.75 a thousand."

'I'm really quite religious. I pray every time I buy a lottery ticket.'

'If you think you're making me jealous. Think again.'

The God's football

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."