Pub Punter Gifts

Saloon Selectives

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"This stool shall pass."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

'Fancy a swift half?'

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

His Other Shtick

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

"Don't waste your money,dearie-there's only one score draw next Saturday!"

Flower: 'I wouldn't go in there if i were you Pal. The place is full of Skinheads.'

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

Fakir Repairs

Gambler And Umpire

'Now we know why they call this the SNUG!'

Donkey Fights

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

'I'm really quite religious. I pray every time I buy a lottery ticket.'

The God's football

Drunk Baby

Conversation-Killer Whale

You never did get rid of that chip on your shoulder did you, Peabody?

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."

"Ohhhhhhhhhh, I see. When I saw the sign out front, I just assumed it meant advice."