Press Conference Host Pillows

'I have time for 3 more of those politically booby-trapped minefields you call questions.'

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"As the new head coach, my first move will be to blow up the entire roster."

'And this just in from the stock market... buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy!'

"As you can see from the books behind me, I pretend to read a lot of books."

"But for an update in GM products in farming we have a spokescarrot."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'No comment for now, but there will be a press leak at four.'

"In financial news, Greek shares continue their slide. Of note, International Feta Cheese continues to crumble."

'When we come back we'll talk to a man who made a fortune on Wall Street and almost got away with it.'

President Grant denies Ambitions for 3rd Term- A 'Blighting Effect' on Newspaper Editors

"I understand your feelings, dear, but don't you think that Jane Pauley would just as soon see you keep your strength up?"

Dollars Press Conference

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'You can't vote him off, dear - he's the newsreader'

I'm sorry Charles is unavailable for polite comment.

These remarks are completely off the record

"Please remember - if the President doesn't get mad at you, don't take it personally - Mr. Trump is very, very busy."

'It says here that most people believe what they read in the papers.'

"That's a very good question, which is why we're going to move on to the next question."

"...and finally..."

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Covid Podium

"Road? What particular road are we talking about here? You'll have to be more specific..."

"And now, another news update - updated from the updated news that was updated ten minutes ago..."

The main reason I came out of hiding? FOMO."

"Welcome back to CNN, where a Trump campaign official has called in, definitely against the advice of his lawyers."

'Stocks today remained unchanged, on news the rich are getting richer, and the poor poorer, at approximately the same rate...'

This is headline news where you can be sure your mind is never taxed.

"And here with the grizzly details."

"After a hard day at the office, all Barry wants to do is put his feet up and listen to somebody tell him what to think."

"Just get out there and be yourself – or better yet, someone like me."

"...were in fact not victims but just had a really, really hard time getting out of bed this morning."