Pregnancy Ponderer Gifts

'I've had some strange cravings during my pregnancy. Such as the one to strangle my husband.'

Woman discovers she is pregnant, and wonders if peeing on her lottery ticket will give her the same good luck.

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"My wife's going through a difficult pregnancy."

"I hear you may do a baby."

Happy Mothers Day

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"I don't understand. Everyone knows I'm here yet no-one calls in to say hello."

Uterus: One size fits all.

'What sort of silly planning is this?...I've got fingernails but no teeth to chew them with.'

'So, the Father is a native of Easter Island?'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Asking how the baby is...'

'The way he kicked me before birth, I knew I was destined to be a soccer mom.'

'Beats me why I took this place. No en-suite, no walk-in robe and no dining room!'

'I guess I wasn't thinking. I bought a return ticket.'

'I don't care what my mum looks like. I only care she's got a huge wide pelvis.'

"You're pregnant? Are you sure it's yours?"

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

"Remember, pregnancy is like taking an exciting thrill ride at an amusement park only the seats are larger."

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

Waiting for Pants

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

'Mom says she has a souffl

'Soon, you will start to notice changes in your body... massive, horrifying changes.'

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

Sex Education

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"I needed a gig to tide me over between baby booms."

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'