Parenthood Ponderer Gifts

'You know at some point we have to stop swaddling him, right?'

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

'Push! That's it. It's just like passing a football.'

"He's at that awkward age - not completely out of the house but no longer a tax deduction."

'So basically, the bee tries to get the bird drunk. And then...'

'Rock of Ages'

"Your mother just wants to let you know that she's finally over her postpartum depression."

"If you have to ask if they come with batteries, then you're too young to have a baby."

"I can't remove this charge from our electronic billing, so will you agree to have the prenatal check up?"

Frank integrates the modern, poll-driven, finger-in-the-wind brand of politics into his parenting style.

"I don't care about the pollution... you can't deliver babies dressed like that."

'Postpartum depression really hits you the day they turn 30, don't have a job and still live at home.'

"I thought it was just one of those bad dreams, but apparently, honey, we have a kid."

'You teach them to fly, and what do you get?'

'Sorry to break it to you folks, but someone at headquarters was throwing out some bathwater and...well...'

Children.

'But you can't be a real boy, Pinocchio... you were made with artificial sperm.'

"How long have you lived in captivity"

'Oh, yeah, they're cute until you can no longer claim them as dependents on your tax return.'

We were so busy debating childcare options we didn't find the time to have a baby.

Man embarrassed at a fertility clinic.

'That high chair is being recalled. Some kind of safety issue.'

I've had to be both mother and father to him - the worst part was the breastfeeding.

'If they didn't have any parents, who did they blame all their hang-ups on?'

"Mum, I wish you'd stop picking me up after school."

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

'It's not that I don't want more kids Victoria, I'm worried I won't have enough skin for their names.'

Nursery: Winners and Losers

"Working must be fun. I heard my mom tell my dad she was playing phone tag all day."

"I heard they're trying to replace us with drones."

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

"Marcy, you hurt Tommy's self esteem when you say there's a monster under your bed."

"They may be your grades, but they're the return on my investment."