Parenthood Ponderer Gifts

'You know at some point we have to stop swaddling him, right?'

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

"He's at that awkward age - not completely out of the house but no longer a tax deduction."

'So basically, the bee tries to get the bird drunk. And then...'

"Your mother just wants to let you know that she's finally over her postpartum depression."

Frank integrates the modern, poll-driven, finger-in-the-wind brand of politics into his parenting style.

"I can't remove this charge from our electronic billing, so will you agree to have the prenatal check up?"

"If you have to ask if they come with batteries, then you're too young to have a baby."

"I thought it was just one of those bad dreams, but apparently, honey, we have a kid."

'But you can't be a real boy, Pinocchio... you were made with artificial sperm.'

Children.

'You teach them to fly, and what do you get?'

'Postpartum depression really hits you the day they turn 30, don't have a job and still live at home.'

"I don't care about the pollution... you can't deliver babies dressed like that."

"They may be your grades, but they're the return on my investment."

"Marcy, you hurt Tommy's self esteem when you say there's a monster under your bed."

"I was hoping you'd have outgrown that by now."

I miss...

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

"I heard they're trying to replace us with drones."

"Working must be fun. I heard my mom tell my dad she was playing phone tag all day."

Nursery: Winners and Losers

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

"How long have you lived in captivity"

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

"Mum, I wish you'd stop picking me up after school."

'If they didn't have any parents, who did they blame all their hang-ups on?'

I've had to be both mother and father to him - the worst part was the breastfeeding.

'That high chair is being recalled. Some kind of safety issue.'

Man embarrassed at a fertility clinic.

We were so busy debating childcare options we didn't find the time to have a baby.

'Oh, yeah, they're cute until you can no longer claim them as dependents on your tax return.'

"You're five now, Lance. You've got to let go of four."

"I don't blame you for everything - I blame Dad for some things, too."