Parenthood Paradox Ponderers Gifts

'Junior is running out of playmates: we need to stop eating the neighbors.'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

Mr. & Mrs. Stickfigure are expecting twins.

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

'Mom says she has a souffl

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

"I needed a gig to tide me over between baby booms."

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'We've created a teenager!'

'It's not that I don't want more kids Victoria, I'm worried I won't have enough skin for their names.'

'Parents are so inconsistent. They spend all day avoiding soil loss and all night promoting it.'

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

"You'll find they stay pretty needy 'til about 300 months."

Three Parent Baby

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

'Well, great! I raise you to be a vicious bird of prey, and you wanna be a songbird!'

How Moms explain.

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'

'Ted, you won't climb the corporate ladder if you keep taking paternity leave!'

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

Children.