Pragmatic Dater Pillows

Andrea Wheaton doesn’t even notice I'm alive. Good! At your age, you shouldn't be wasting your time on crushes and other interpersonal relationships. Not unless the girl's mom or dad has connections you can exploit. Is Rudy here? You should be 100% focused on building your empire.

"It doesn't matter what he looks like, I'm just looking for a hedge against inflation..."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

On my list of outdoor pursuits I put skinny dipping way ahead of this.

Waterfall of Disappointment

"She says you sound like 'fun'!"

'I'm sick and tired of you and your 'get rich quick' schemes.'

Single men in Tahiti

"I'm not very good at sex, but what do you say to eight hours uproarious sleep?"

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

Man visits palm reader with 'Doing Anything Tonight?' written on his hands.

"Wanna do lunch?"

'I didn't know people still played footsie.'

'Romance-minded clown in hot pursuit of woman'

"You can come in. But don't try anything funny."

Here's one for you... she likes long lurches in the moonlight, scared of fire... enjoys terrorizing villages...

"I don't wear jewelry, but cash is nice."

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

"I like anything but long walks on the beach."

'But how can we be sure the dating service didn't make a mistake?'

'Single Heating and Cooling technician in search of intelligent, attractive woman. Send picture of your furnace & AC.'

'You must be Olivia.'

"I'm a fancier of dogs and interesting men."

"You must believe me, Jane. I have excellent narrative skills."

"I always pick Mr. Wrong..."

"So tell me again where you're from."

'When I said in my on-line profile that I was athletic, I meant that I like watching sports!'

"OK, let's go to contract."

'Are you ready to be the winners?'

"In a world of beefcake, I'm dating tofu."

At Saltwater Sweeties Dating Service

"Damn. The minute I eat a stink bug, in walks Mr. Wonderful!..."

'Well. I gotta admit, she did say in her profile that she's an old-fashioned girl!'

'Obviously a cry for help.'

"You're all arms Rodney."