Poop Pundit Gifts

"Amusing bouquet, without being hilarious."

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'It Kicked!' - 'Punt, Drop or Tad?'

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

"Every good scene in that move was in the coming attractions...why did we even bother to come watch it?"

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'You drink like a fish.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'My first drink since my accident.'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

Literary Dogs.

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

"I swear, Eddie, you ought to be on with Bill Moyers."

"Just don't swallow any. What we're wallowing in is Hi- Density-Syntha-Soil Fabricated mud."

"If memory serves, the alternative to being a McGovern-nik was being a Nixon-nik."

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'