Pork Pundit Gifts

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

'Or we could just ask her what kind of dog it is.'

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'I use these ice cubes to make minor home repairs.'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Football.

"Pie chart"

"Shouldn't there be some sort of pecking order around here?"

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

"Every good scene in that move was in the coming attractions...why did we even bother to come watch it?"

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

'You think irritable fowl syndrome is bad? Just wait until you hit menopause.'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'You drink like a fish.'

'My first drink since my accident.'

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

Stop the big guy!

Literary Dogs.

"...and the farmers - what would they do without me?...wait, don't answer that!"