Poll Savvy Pillows

'Remember, Fenton, polling results are in the eye of the manipulator.'

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

Annual Pollsters Convention. Wow, who could've predicted such a low turnout?

'According to the latest poll, 64% of the public don't pay any attention to polls...'

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

Pollster

"Hot off the wire! In the latest poll, 99% of voters say they will be glad when the election is over... The poll has an error rate of plus or minus 2%."

Afghanistan intervention.

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

The Guardian: Portland Republican says party should use militia groups after racial attack

'The popularity polls love what you've done with the budget deficit....moving the decimal one point to the left.'

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

Woke and wonderful

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

"The last thing that I intend to do is to stand here making a display of my patriotism."

"Would you like your MP not to stand at the next election?"

Approval Rating

"It's seasonal, like the first gritters of Winter and the first cuckoos of Spring...the first pollsters of the election!"

"The latest poll numbers must be out."

'Our poll shows the typical voter is all polled out.'

Dropping Popularity of Obama.

'And according to a new poll, baseball and apple pie have now been replaced by facebook and taco bell.'

"I'm undecided, but that doesn't mean I'm apathetic or uninformed."

'Our next question: is the world a safer place than it was a year ago?'

President Obama's gun violence proposal and the NRA proposal.

"Of course, this prediction has a plus or minus margin of error of 80% or 90%."

"Your poll results on't look good. You're trailing 'statistically insignificant'."

Climate Change is Real

'I promise to be the first politician to slow global warming by reducing the hot air coming out of Washigton!'

"The latest numbers are in. More voters want you to drop out than to run."

"Pew researchers!"

Gentlemen, I'm gathering information about the electorate. First question, how have you voted in the past? Sometimes I've filled in circles with a pen. Or used an electronic touch-screen. Once I punched holes in a card! When you live in Florida, right? I've written in a name. And voted by mail! I'm beginning to understand why polling data is increasingly unreliable.

Poison Pill Legislation

'In your opinion, who was the worst U.S. president since W.W.II...?'

Put us down as decidedly and definitely more positive than "maybe" but probably something not quite so strong as "perhaps."