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Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs

If Shakespeare were alive today

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

UK border controls relaxed.

Dog walking Human.

How about going easy on the carbs

'Marsha, did you file the Peterson account on the cumulus, stratus, cirrus, or nimbus cloud?'

Czarcasm

'Hi - I'm your company perk !'

Denmark scrapped anti-blasphemy law!

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

"You weren't expecting a walrus, right?"

It was my story. A murder mystery. A who-done-it-and-got-away-with-it-until-he-wrote-about-it.

'Ah Mr Bond, I haven't been expecting you...'

"I'll be glad when the television is fixed."

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

Book Shop Plot Spoilers

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"A haand gel...!?"

Hot cross buns

"And yet methinks, Martha, that 'Ibsen with Rhythm' seems somehow to miss the point of Ibsen."

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

The Final Selfie

Trojan horse with a satellite dish.

"Well, that was the weirdest tribute band I've ever seen."

'My name is Herbert J.Whiteside - you must fly for help immediately.'

'Why thankyou! ... and I've got one for you!'

'Oh, it is so totally on, now!'

'And remember team, if you can't join 'em, lick 'em!'

"The only reason I'm firing you for your suggestion is because you signed yours."

'During the heart-transplant, since it was your birthday, I went ahead and added two more inches, no charge.'

'Hey! You're not for real, are you man?'