Plot Twist Appreciator T-Shirts

'Of course the plot's ridiculous, it's Opera.'

'Yeah, yeah, the ammo is included. ... OK, so remember - anyone asks? You've never seen me before in your life.'

"Do you sell arsenic?"

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

"Whoa. Jeff. Looks like you got that job at the cosmetic testing lab."

'Oh Hi!'

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"Nice epic battle between good and evil!"

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

Updated Classis: Alice Through the You Tube.

"Steamed vegetables."

Don Quixote is Caged (Don Quixote).

'This one is for serving 27 years in the military without anyone finding out I'm gay.'

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

Russia Money Laundering

Earthlings, show us your sporting interests. This is golf. Hit the ball with the club. This is tennis. Hit that ball with the racket. This is volleyball. Hit that ball with your hand. Hitting, hitting, hitting. It's all so violent. How do you relax? We hit the hot tub.

The Greek Trampoline

"Amateurs."

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

Noah's Ark/Single's Cruise

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Atomic Bear: Part 14

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'