Picky Patron Gifts

"I'm looking for something slightly more perfect."

"It's black, but it's not New York black."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I'll have another Rob Roy and a cup of coffee for my friend here."

'The Saxon King' pub

"In addition to the regular menu, today's specials are . . ."

"Please don't kill me."

'Okay mum, I'll eat it all up. But I doubt I'll grow big and strong on this muck!'

Surreal ale

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

Wanna talk about it?

"Gotta go, lads, I smell death."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"Ignore gordon. He's had a snootfull."

Pub Kendo.

"I don't like to complain, but this cud is a bit overchewed."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

'Can you do me a low alcohol tequila slammer?'

"Oh him, that's Ron. He's a permanent fixture in here."

"Miss Sadie did remember several pets in her will."

'I badly need to speak to my husband - can you get me a job as a barmaid?'

'Boozer's Week.'

"The usual, please."

"If they don't like the food, try to explain to them how hard it is to cook really good food."

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

"Right - let's get back to the house and pretend to hate each other..."

"Do you realize that we spend one-third of our lives in bed and the other two-thirds in here?"

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'