Picky Patron Pillows

"I'm looking for something slightly more perfect."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I'll have another Rob Roy and a cup of coffee for my friend here."

"It's black, but it's not New York black."

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

"In addition to the regular menu, today's specials are . . ."

Surreal ale

"Please don't kill me."

'The Saxon King' pub

'Okay mum, I'll eat it all up. But I doubt I'll grow big and strong on this muck!'

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

Wanna talk about it?

"Gotta go, lads, I smell death."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

Pub Kendo.

"I don't like to complain, but this cud is a bit overchewed."

"Ignore gordon. He's had a snootfull."

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

"Oh him, that's Ron. He's a permanent fixture in here."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

'Can you do me a low alcohol tequila slammer?'

'I badly need to speak to my husband - can you get me a job as a barmaid?'

"Miss Sadie did remember several pets in her will."

'Boozer's Week.'

'It's very quiet in here, with everyone Twittering away.'

"Right - let's get back to the house and pretend to hate each other..."

"The usual, please."

"Do you realize that we spend one-third of our lives in bed and the other two-thirds in here?"

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

The only "fake news" we care about is fake IDs.

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

Beer....Beer Fart.

No, he wants the other one … No, not that one … No, to your right … No, above that one …

Who's Not Who.