Phonic Philosopher Gifts

Legends of Hold Music

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Eagle (The Divine Comedy).

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

Passed over at the Inaugural Poetry Audition

Woman on the phone.

"The fourth horseman says that he will be late. He hasn't left the Old Testament yet."

"I'll have to put you on hold. I have a bite on the other line."

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

Non Thought For The Day.

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

' Once again, the name is Perry, with a P, as in pterodactyl.'

'Hello, Pastor Parker here. Thank you for calling moral support. Your call may be monitored to ... '

Deconstructionist girlfriend

A Tree Grows In . . . Wherever.

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

"The time has come to reflect and ask ourselves... 'what would Jesus tweet?'"

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute - Calls will be answered in random order.'

"This song is dedicated to all of you who have been having a hard time deciding between the big bang and steady state theories."

"Are you busy or are you at work?"

Gawk

Phonetic Man

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

"You have reached the samaritans. If you are a farmer press one, a pensioner press two, small business owner press three...."

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."

'I heard it was because of a broken charger.'

Reception - "Do you want to continue to 'hold' or do you want to call back later and 'hold'?"

'And I don't appreciate being left on hold,with Motorhead's 'The ace of spades'!'

'I can't believe I phoned my ex at 4 in the morning and go the wrong number. Still, if I look on the upside...it's lucky I didn't get the right number.'

"You're addicted to your phone and I think you need help."

"I don't know this one."

Mavis didn't realise she was still on hold. . . !