Phone Menu Survivor Gifts

"If you'd like to hear the options again, curse in any language."

'For the wrong department: Press one. . . for a patronizing excuse: Press two. . .'

"....To hear those options again, press the pound sign, or click your heels three times to return to the main menu."

For option 6,495,096 press star 145 times followed by...

"I find it so stimulating to learn new software."

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

'While on hold, press #1 for classical music. Press #2 for rock music. Press #3 for country music. Press #4 for...'

'Skip the menu Ramon,i'll just have what he's having,thanks.' / 'Very well sir.'

'Say '1' to hear the ocean in English. Decir '2' a oir el ocean en Espanol.'

To put your right foot in, press 5...to take it out, press 6... to put...

"Is this the queue for Funworld?"

On hold, Rick listens to "As Time Goes By" over and over again.

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

"Here, I'll call the credit department for you...you might wanna push 'seven' on here."

Education Payroll: 'We're trying to resolve your salary problem or, at the very east, put you on hold for th rest of the day.'

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

'Funny how talking to an automated voice system makes YOU sound like the robot.'

'For legalese, press three...'

'For an English translation of what the tech support person says, press 2...'

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

'For acall centre in Bangalore press 1 - for one in Hyderbad press......'

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'

"Due to unusually high wish volume, you may experience a greater hold time than usual. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause."

"To return to the original menu say say 'Goddam son of a bitch!'"

"Your call may be monitored to give us all a laugh . . . please enter your 23 digit telephone banking code followed by your 14 digit account no and your 24 digit security code. . ."

'For our staff's amusement, this call may be recorded.'

"If you want to talk to a real person, hang up and call your mother!"