Philosopher Of Mortality Gifts

"But living longer may not be right for you."

Grim Reaper helpfully offers a smoker a light.

R. J. Hooper: Off the grid forever

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Call me?"

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

"Death coach..."

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

"They're very time-sensitive."

" It was a jungle out there, but I quite liked it."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

Apocalliptical

"I took the road less travelled just to avoid the potholes."

"I once experienced childlike wonder. . . but it was just my anti-depressants kicking in."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'I'm trying to become enlightened, but my stomach keeps growling and interrupting me!'

School of hard knocks: Mail box 'Knock-knock jokes'

"You know, Mother, they say dead is the new 80."

'Isn't it about time to turn over a new leaf...?'

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"I'm at the age where work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work."

"Be patient! Weather and homeland are not chosen."

Seven males, ranging in age from a baby to an old man, wait in a line monitored by a uniformed guard.

'Ironically, before I fell on hard times, I was a professional wine taster.'

Respects to Kevin Woodcock.

"Maybe he's not leading us back to his parking space."

'You'd look good in that.'

"Give a call when you get there."

"What a wonderful tune! I wonder who wrote the score?"

'Thank you for the job offer, sir, but I find that unemployment helps keep me humble.'