Pet Psychiatrist Pillows

'I bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep! There has to be more than that!'

'I like cats.'

'I'm afraid you're just going to have to accept that dogs just don't like you.'

'Okay, I promise I won't shout at you, because you're on the couch.'

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

Licensed Therapist

"A squirrel, impressive! I'm still chasing a stick."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Will you be taking these home or chewing them right here?"

Cats = Zen, Dogs = Men

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"Watch out, Simone's hangry - her stomach AND her throat are growling."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"Have you tried biting him?"

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

Cats are under tremendous peer pressure to remain useless.

Dog Obedience School: 'I think we're going to have our work cut out with this one.'

Codepetdency Counseling: "He won't even sit on my lap anymore."

"Instead of wagging my tail, running around and jumping all over you, I sent you an E-card."

"I can’t believe you’re doing this! I have abandonment issues! Abandonment issues!!!"

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

Protoplasm

But it's the other leg that hurts.

Shepherd, Herder, Hunter, Thinker.

"Meow."

"It's nice to be wanted."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

"He never sniffs my butt anymore."

'I suppose this means you won't be fetching my slippers anymore.'

'A common problem - we all give them our undivided love and devotion.'