Pet Psyche Analyzer Pillows

"I think I'm a big dog."

Licensed Therapist

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"Watch out, Simone's hangry - her stomach AND her throat are growling."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"Have you tried biting him?"

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

Dog phrenology

"Meow."

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

"I can't believe how much I love her. Just look at those sienna eyes and that adorable little nose. I honestly don't know how I'd survive without her." "He has food."

'I suppose this means you won't be fetching my slippers anymore.'

"I have to give you credit. You're a pit bull and you're nice on and offline."

'A common problem - we all give them our undivided love and devotion.'

"I need a hip replacement but I believe they're looking at a dog replacement."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"Mi chiamano Mimi, il perche non so. Sola, mi fo il pranzo da me stessa."

They say animals have the sixth sense and the talent to look into the future...

"Actually I never loved you."

'I'm sure they don't think you're really a bad kitty...just a kitty that sometimes does bad things.'

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

"I'm supposed to be loyal, relieve stress, be 'Man's best friend'...I don't need this kind of pressure!"

I hear you, man. Look, if you need anything, my door is always open.

'Listen, Geoffrey ...I know you're a clinical psychologist, but I DON'T have A.D.D. ! You're just incredibly boring.'

'How long have you had this obsessive hatred of cats?'

'Yes, you were abandoned. But then I adopted you. Why are you still taking it out on my couch?'

The brain of a dog.

"Wag your tail just once when I come home. You miserable dog!"

"Putting him on a diet was easy. Just hide a pill in his food and he'll never touch it."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

"And just how long have your felt confined by this 'invisible fence'?"