Pet Peeve Chuckler Gifts

'And stop talking to me in that stupid cat voice!'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

'What do you mean you're afraid of the dark? You're a nightcrawler.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

The Big Four debate banking ethics

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

'I'm good with sheep. . .'

'You were afraid for the drill?'

"You have a very long fault line. That's why your hands are trembling."

"If she can find all the bones she's buried, she's my next investment counselor."

"I keep getting into a flap."

All Day Parking $1. Leave keys. It may be necessary to move your car to a more convenient spot.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

"Can't you clip your nails on the subway like everyone else?"

Human Cull: People who leave their cars idling when they are stopped for ages.

Human Cull: People who let their plants hang over the sidewalk so pedestrians can't walk past normally.

"Pushing buttons with anything other than your index finger is an affectation."

"I'm not on the train today dear, I've got flu."

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

Where dogs have been before they lick you...

'We have weapons of mass disruption.'

'Trevor still can't get his head around the fact that Tim isn't Oxbridge.'

'Was that you who screamed?'

Bike Week

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

"I didn't jump, I fell asleep waiting."

'Mr Darling has gone into shock, he missed his train - it arrived and left on time!'

'Couldn't get insurance for my sled.'