Childlike Chuckler Gifts

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"If your dad is truly the King of the Jungle, why can't you ask him to abolish school?"

"The subwoofers really help."

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

Jesus Christ

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

The Big Four debate banking ethics

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

"Well, you can tell that David Silva that I said you definitely don't have cooties, Carolyn."

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'Sorry kid, but rules are rules!'

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

'Bless you!'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

"I keep getting into a flap."

Yoga - moooooooo.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

An idle lap is the devil's workbench.