Kid-at-heart Chuckler Gifts

'Sorry kid, but rules are rules!'

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

'Henceforth, nurse Blum will be the nurse to take your blood pressure.'

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

"Well, you can tell that David Silva that I said you definitely don't have cooties, Carolyn."

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

"I keep forgetting. When do I cluck and when do I double-cluck?"

"No. I have the baby."

"Mom, are we vegetarians for ethical or religious reasons?"

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

Cowboy posting notices saying WANTED...FOR FLYPOSTING

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

'Bless you!'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

Caution Slippery When Wet.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

"Your total is $10.97 and this is only $6."

'The exams were under water, below c!'