Pet-obsessed Friend Gifts

"Technically, He's supposed to generate more energy than he uses."

CATS BEHAVING BADLY - cats are watching this tv programme on a badly-scratched sofa

Bitchbark Canoe

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'My bark may be worse than my bite, but I've got a whine that will drive you up a wall!'

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

Caveman's dog with head outside car window.

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

'Cat or dog?' - 'A little of both.'

"We're just going to have to face the fact that you're not a puppy anymore!"

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

"And for lot 27 we have another old tennis ball."

"This never happened."

'Don't be embarrassed by your anti-barking collar, implanted tracking chip, and GPS device. Just think of them as fashion accessories.'

Canine Scentipede

"Never mind how I got up here....just call the fire department."

I'm beginning to regret buying that Roomba.

Christmas Pets

Dog with saucepan stuck on its head

'She still won't accept that she's the cat, and not the meow.'

"Your love gives me strength."

'Out, damned Spot.'

PET THEORIES

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"Humans are strange."

'Now, you're new here, but you should know the rules: I get Master's newspaper and slippers! Got that?'

"I see you mister mail carrier... that's it, just keep walking... don't even think abo—did you just look at my house?! Are you looking for trouble? Cujo ain't got #!@* on me."

'Technically, he's on a leash, so I say we let this one go.'

Pet Entertainers

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

"Lori, I can’t talk right now — I’m right in the middle of updating my dog’s Facebook page."

Garbage Piñata

"And for dessert, I'd like the mice pudding."

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'

"...and yet it doesn't quite capture his thoughtful, contemplative side."