Friend Who Loves Pets Gifts

"You've got athletes foot."

"Going to the beach with Master is not all that much fun: My job is to guard his stuff while he goes for a swim..."

"After so much fake news, how can I believe you actually threw it this time?"

Bitchbark Canoe

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'My bark may be worse than my bite, but I've got a whine that will drive you up a wall!'

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

Caveman's dog with head outside car window.

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

'Cat or dog?' - 'A little of both.'

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

"And for lot 27 we have another old tennis ball."

"This never happened."

'Don't be embarrassed by your anti-barking collar, implanted tracking chip, and GPS device. Just think of them as fashion accessories.'

Canine Scentipede

I'm beginning to regret buying that Roomba.

Dog with saucepan stuck on its head

Christmas Pets

"Never mind how I got up here....just call the fire department."

'She still won't accept that she's the cat, and not the meow.'

PET THEORIES

"I see you mister mail carrier... that's it, just keep walking... don't even think abo—did you just look at my house?! Are you looking for trouble? Cujo ain't got #!@* on me."

'I suppose an explanation is in order?'

"And for dessert, I'd like the mice pudding."

"...and yet it doesn't quite capture his thoughtful, contemplative side."

Pet Entertainers

Garbage Piñata

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"Humans are strange."

'Now, you're new here, but you should know the rules: I get Master's newspaper and slippers! Got that?'

"All you're doing is emboldening cats."

Chasebook

'Technically, he's on a leash, so I say we let this one go.'

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'