Friend Who Loves Pets Gifts

"You've got athletes foot."

"Going to the beach with Master is not all that much fun: My job is to guard his stuff while he goes for a swim..."

Bitchbark Canoe

'My bark may be worse than my bite, but I've got a whine that will drive you up a wall!'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

Caveman's dog with head outside car window.

'Cat or dog?' - 'A little of both.'

"And for lot 27 we have another old tennis ball."

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

"This never happened."

Canine Scentipede

'Don't be embarrassed by your anti-barking collar, implanted tracking chip, and GPS device. Just think of them as fashion accessories.'

'She still won't accept that she's the cat, and not the meow.'

Christmas Pets

"Never mind how I got up here....just call the fire department."

Dog with saucepan stuck on its head

I'm beginning to regret buying that Roomba.

PET THEORIES

"...and yet it doesn't quite capture his thoughtful, contemplative side."

'Technically, he's on a leash, so I say we let this one go.'

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"Lori, I can’t talk right now — I’m right in the middle of updating my dog’s Facebook page."

"All you're doing is emboldening cats."

"Humans are strange."

Pet Entertainers

Chasebook

"I see you mister mail carrier... that's it, just keep walking... don't even think abo—did you just look at my house?! Are you looking for trouble? Cujo ain't got #!@* on me."

'I suppose an explanation is in order?'

'Now, you're new here, but you should know the rules: I get Master's newspaper and slippers! Got that?'

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

"And for dessert, I'd like the mice pudding."

'Surely they don't expect us to carry around THAT sort of money?'

Separation