Performers Gifts

"Don't make me come down there."

'Don't do it, Herb! -- A mime is a terrible thing to waste!'

"You're on next. Break a leg!"

Open air toilets.

'You think you're in the wrong job, don't make me laugh.'

'It's your turn, dear.'

'They shouldn't let him perform if he has hiccups!'

World Championship Mime-Off -'HEYYY! He's in a REAL box!!'

Drama Llama

'Mr. Whipple, what other qualifications do you have - apart from your quite excellent Donald Duck impression?'

Arresting a clown.

Back-Stage Shaving

Appearance Money

"I owe my success to him. I figured, if he can make it, so can I."

"Well, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that you failed last week's audition."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

A fairy with wand and crown in pink tutu

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Extreme miming"

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"We're following Carrot Top."

Pirate

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

Cow Show Tunes

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."