Theatrical Performers Gifts

'On guard!'

"It's depressing, people just don't take our work seriously."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

Papageno from The Magic Flute

Women's Bonnets Block the Audience View

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

Pirate

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"We're following Carrot Top."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Trump! The Musical

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Cow Show Tunes

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

George Michael

"When I grow up, I want to become president and eventually the subject of a groundbreaking, critically-acclaimed Broadway musical."

Taking a peek at the audience

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

Modern Major General

"Bravo!"

'Play it again, Sam.'

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Silly wig.

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."