Live Performer Gifts

Keep it simple, I said...

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Glastonbury. After.

Showbiz Awards

Zombie standup

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"Here's another one written in E minor and in case you haven't guessed by now, it's the only chord I know."

'It's good - but it's not digital quality.'

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"We're following Carrot Top."

Pirate

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"Extreme miming"

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

Cow Show Tunes

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"Woke up this morning, someone had nicked my guitar..."

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

Famous Jewish Blues Singer Series.

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."