Percentile Pundit Gifts

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

Teacher: 'Being a math teacher, I can't ask my students to give 110%.'

Dept of statistics

"That's Paul, he's our head of partnerships..."

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"I'm as progressive as they come, except for my money. No one touches my money."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'At the sales department, we've got to meet our performance targets. We're not here to care about reality.'

'Risky, but I like it!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Pie chart"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

'Just one criticism of you review of last night's opening play - you omitted to mention that the theatre burnt down while you were supposed to be there!'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'The very name 'windfall profits' show it's an act of god.'

The Fishbowl Dynasty

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"I can see you're concerned about the amount of medication you're taking. Let me see if I can give you something for that."

Voice of the GOP

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'We'd better schedule an autopsy audit.'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Now this is the kind of office decor I like.'

"That is definitely going to be regarded as excess profits"

Oval Office

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'