Performance Pundit Gifts

'At the sales department, we've got to meet our performance targets. We're not here to care about reality.'

'Just one criticism of you review of last night's opening play - you omitted to mention that the theatre burnt down while you were supposed to be there!'

1 Quarterly Report

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"Fact amnesty"

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

Liquidity Lunch

'The treasury decided to use bob geldof's speechwriter this year!'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"I can't wait to see our new ad campaign. Wait, don't tell me...it's NEW and IMPROVED!"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

Credit Crunch: Breakfast for Losers.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Pie chart - What were we studying, again?

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

I might have granted your loan request, if it wasn't written on a beer mat.

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

Mudville

'A ground ball to deep short, handled beautifully by Santana...'

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Bank of England Base Rates.