Pedigree Pundit Gifts

The Fishbowl Dynasty

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Official Rhetoric About Leakers and Whistleblowers, Translated

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Pie chart - What were we studying, again?

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'You drink like a fish.'

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

'My first drink since my accident.'

"We're TV pundits debating the issues."

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

"Yes, we can hear well at the back, but I'd be happy to change seats with anyone who can't..."

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

"If memory serves, the alternative to being a McGovern-nik was being a Nixon-nik."

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

A poison pen fights a poison mic.

"I swear, Eddie, you ought to be on with Bill Moyers."

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'