Peerage Pundit Gifts

"I'm thinking of buying a peerage with the money from my second job."

"The PM plans to ennobble him."

Pinocchio's Second Realization

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'At the sales department, we've got to meet our performance targets. We're not here to care about reality.'

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Pie chart"

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'Just one criticism of you review of last night's opening play - you omitted to mention that the theatre burnt down while you were supposed to be there!'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"Yeah, I've noticed it too: Young Master's smell has changed a lot since he's become a teenager..."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

Ted enjoyed going to the park and feeding the woodpeckers.

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

The Fishbowl Dynasty

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

"Psst. Pass it on. Tonight's the break!..."

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

"We really need to recognise the significance of climate change..."