Puberty Pundit Gifts

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"Yeah, I've noticed it too: Young Master's smell has changed a lot since he's become a teenager..."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

Neuro, Biology, Chemistry, Feedback, Psychology, Technology, Physiology Institute

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.

'Soon, you will start to notice changes in your body... massive, horrifying changes.'

'Before we begin, he's the one that's been helping me with my homework.'

"Now you're just being a jerk!"

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"I must say Jeff, there's something about your personal brand that I find refreshing."

'Why is it always about me?'

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

Sex Education

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"We encourage Theo to challenge clichés and mediocrity."

"I understand they've uncovered some weird new side effects since you were here last."

The big questions in life.

"Once you've jumped over the moon, standing around in a field all day just doesn't cut it."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Mom, can I obliterate New Jersey? Pleeease, mom?"

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."