Pension Plan Humorist Gifts

Happy Retirement

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

Budget reaction.

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

When scientists come out of retirement.

Patients with HMO dread anesthesia.

"Remember to round each billable hour off to the nearest week."

'The next phase in which we carve the stones ornately will cost a little more than the previous ones.'

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

"Sorry about the disguise.But we've had to reduce our budget for the 'witness protection programme'."

"I can't afford therapy. The inner child support payments alone are killing me."

I'm retired...I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

Listen, you're fine. Lots of people your age start fuhgeddabouding things.

'Says here that you broke your tooth while eating a human. Sorry sir, but accidents that happen during 'food-for-fun' are not covered under your dental plan.'

"But Kevin, why can't we have a proper jacuzzi like next door?"

"He's at that funny age. It takes twice as long to get over a good time, as to have it."

"Help! I've fallen and my son is a disappointment!"

CITY CLINIC, 'What do we do in a case like this? -- He's sick because he swallowed his insurance card.'

"My research on the effects of total inactivity in humans is nearing a breakthrough. Just one more 5-year grant should do it."

"How do you know my wish didn't come true."

'The teachers' range are all designed vertically so they can stand at the front of the class.'

'The best part - it has health coverage.'

'He's in a male 60 panic mode.'

Harper's Cat Speaks: 'To whom it may concern: I will be cutting down on kitty treats.'

"Whoa, don't hand me my pay cheque. I'm allergic to peanuts!"

Bear Market

"Harry seldom leaves his retirement cubicle."

Getting older is....Getting involved in one upmanship over ailments and medications.

'Poor Oog -- evolution sure has AGED him!'