Pension Pessimist Gifts

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

Worry tank

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

The glass is half full. - '' - 'The glass is half empty' - '' - 'Gah!! No clean glasses!!' - '' -

Tom's last day.

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

The End is Near art gallery opening.

Car insurance, breakdown cover, mobile insurance, home insurance, camera insurance... - 'Life insurance, health insurance, professional indemnity, and tax insurance.' - 'Let the bad times roll... heh, heh!'

"Road construction used to bother me. But compared to all the craziness going on in the world, I'll take this any day."

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

"Die alone"

Lent is a real drag this year. - 'Why? What did you give up?' - 'Hope.' - 'I gave up chocolate. Guess what?1' - 'What?' - 'I've made my ideal weight! Yay!'

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"A glimmer of hope is fine, Hendricks, but anything more than that will lead to massive disappointment."

'I find it difficult not to entertain the occasional negative thought.'

Half Empty/Half Full/I'm Still On Vacation!!!

'Have you seen the financial pages?' - 'Yes, things are going to get a lot worse before the get worse.'

The Dungeon

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

The Flying Pig: Free drinks (if England win on penalties)

'...I expected a little more than... a sticky toffee with fluff on it.'

'Turned out nice again.'

"Would you believe it, that pensions liberation plan was just an on-line scam..."

"The scariest part is knowing that someday something'll come along that will make us go, 'Even the spider mutants weren't this bad.' "

"Ambitions... to be proved wrong."

This will be a banner day for you!

"Look, a shooting star- let's critique it!"

Ceiling collapse 'Don't worry, that's just settlement.'

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

"This feels like the start of something that will eventually break one of our hearts."

'Against Joie De Vivre': Meet the author today.

All my silver linings have clouds around them.

'Hardly worth blowing down.'