Pediatrician Visit Gifts

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"Unfortunately, once the child contracts Pokémon, he lives with it forever."

"They grow up so fast."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

Mozart's First Movement - Baby Mozart is sitting on the potty.

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

The cell phone soother for life.

A midwife holding a baby

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

Pool attached to child's bed.

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"The first one's just a warning."

Pumpkin patch

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

Pinocchio's nose used by cat as a scratching post

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

"Too much sugar."

"We're playing doctor. Do you have any old magazines for our waiting room?"