Pecking Pundit Gifts

Ted enjoyed going to the park and feeding the woodpeckers.

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Pie chart"

New York Scatological Society

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'It Kicked!' - 'Punt, Drop or Tad?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'Eat your lettuce. It'll put colour back in your cheeks.'

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

Avoid talking about personal and domestic issues at interviews, unless asked.

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"Buckle up. We're in the midst of an unprecedented breadcrumb recession."

The Fishbowl Dynasty

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'Not a problem. Our industry is self-regulated. In fact, I'm scheduled to jump off the roof right after this meeting.'

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'

"If memory serves, the alternative to being a McGovern-nik was being a Nixon-nik."

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'