Piercing Pundit Gifts

"I can take or leave my nose ring, but it does seem to improve wifi reception."

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

Stop and Birch

"Well, I've come this close to asking out Sylvia Sanchez. But I'm just an average guy! Nothing about me says 'I'm cool! Look at me!'"

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

'It Kicked!' - 'Punt, Drop or Tad?'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

Official Rhetoric About Leakers and Whistleblowers, Translated

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

Ted enjoyed going to the park and feeding the woodpeckers.

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

"The exclamation points make the whole thing seem desperate and contrived."

'Look! If I wave these around I can generate electricity!'

"We're TV pundits debating the issues."

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

'This mindless blather is edited for TV.'

"Whoa...not so fast! First of all please tell me your address, your health insurance number, and spell your name for me, Mr. HelpI'mBleedingToDeath."

Apostrophe, Aopstropher, Apostrothem.

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

'The hard time isn't so bad, but that community service is murder!'

EU-budget fight

'I'm sorry, Mrs. Marks but I'm afraid your husband has fallen into a deep comma...'

Ostrich with head buried in newspaper

Vernon Trunick with the 3 O'Clock Report

Before you read the Guardian, ask yourself: do I need to?

'Correction,Dear- it's OUR newspaper!'